How to Notify Family After a Traumatic Death: What to Say — and What Not to Say

I arrive after death notifications have already happened. I've seen families who were told with gentleness and support, who had advocates present and questions answered. And I've seen families who got a phone call with minimal information, no support, and were left to figure out what to do next. The quality of the initial notification — and the support in the hours following — can significantly affect how survivors begin to process traumatic loss.

How Official Death Notifications Work

When someone dies unexpectedly — from homicide, suicide, accident, or unattended natural death — the first official notification typically comes from:

• Law enforcement: Police officers are trained in death notification, though training quality varies. For homicide and violent crime, detective units often handle notifications.
• Hospital staff or chaplains: For deaths that occur or are brought to a hospital
• Medical examiner's or coroner's office: Sometimes notifies next of kin when a body is found and family must be located

The official notification is typically: "I have some very difficult news. [Name] has died." The cause and circumstances are shared as appropriate. Next of kin information — what happens to the body, identification requirements, personal effects — follows.

If you're a family member who has just been notified and need to tell other family members yourself, read on.

Telling Other Family Members: The Practical Framework

In person is always better than by phone. For close family — parents, siblings, adult children — drive to them if at all possible. Having them hear this alone, far away, is significantly harder than having you present.

If phone is unavoidable: Ask if they're sitting down. Tell them you have very difficult news. Do not bury the lead with preambles. "John died today" is better than three paragraphs of softening language that builds dread.

Use clear language. "Died," not "passed away," "gone," or "we lost them." Euphemisms can create confusion in a moment of shock. The brain needs direct information.

Give them the essential facts first: What happened (to the extent you know), when, and where. Don't worry about having all the answers — "I don't know all the details yet" is honest and acceptable.

Then stop talking. Let them respond. Silence is okay. Shock produces non-linear responses — they may ask questions that seem strange, or not respond at all, or laugh (involuntary nervous response). Don't try to fill every silence.

What NOT to Say

Well-meaning phrases that cause harm:

• "At least they didn't suffer" — You don't know that. And even if true, it minimizes the loss.
• "They're in a better place" — Assumes shared religious beliefs. Inappropriate for anyone whose beliefs differ.
• "Everything happens for a reason" — Acutely unhelpful after a violent or traumatic death.
• "I know exactly how you feel" — You don't. Every grief is different.
• "You need to be strong for [someone else]" — This suppresses their own grief response.
• "Let me know if you need anything" — Vague offers are rarely taken up. Specific offers ("I'm bringing dinner Thursday, does 6pm work?") are helpful.
• Detailed questions about the circumstances — Not the moment to get information. Get facts later.

What Helps

• "I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm here."
• "I don't know what to say, but I'm not going anywhere."
• "What do you need right now? I can be there in 20 minutes."
• "You don't have to do anything right now."
• Sitting with them in silence. Physical presence without words.

Telling Children About a Traumatic Death

For detailed guidance on this specific situation — including age-appropriate language, what to include or omit based on circumstances, and how to support children in the weeks that follow — see our full guide on talking to children about traumatic death.

Brief key points:

• Tell children yourself, before they hear from another source
• Use developmentally appropriate but honest language — "died" not "sleeping"
• Answer questions honestly, with age-appropriate detail
• Maintain routines as much as possible — structure is stabilizing
• Watch for behavioral changes in the weeks following

Supporting Survivors in the First 48 Hours

The person who received the notification is likely in acute shock. Their capacity to make decisions, process information, and manage logistics is significantly impaired. What they need from you:

• Physical presence — Don't leave them alone
• Practical help with immediate needs: Food, water, a safe place to be
• Help with the phone — Managing calls, fielding notifications to other family members
• Protection from unnecessary decisions — Many decisions don't need to be made in the first 24 hours. Help create a buffer.
• Documentation — Write down what law enforcement tells you, what decisions were made, what calls were received. The person in shock won't remember details.

If you're the one who just received the notification and you're reading this trying to figure out what to do next, see our guide on what to do after an unattended death for the full practical roadmap.

When to Get Professional Support

Death notifications and the immediate aftermath are traumatic for everyone involved — including the person delivering the notification. If you're experiencing PTSD symptoms or significant grief, see our grief counseling guide for professional support options.

Need practical help navigating the aftermath? Our directory connects families with vetted professionals for every step. Call (855) 566-2405 24/7.