Quick Answer: Be honest in age-appropriate language. Children handle truth better than vague explanations — and they almost always find out anyway. What hurts children isn’t knowing; it’s being left alone with incomplete information and no way to ask questions. This guide walks through what to say, what not to say, and when to get professional support.
I’ve been in homes after the worst kinds of deaths. I’ve seen parents trying to figure out what to say to their children — often with no sleep, in shock themselves, with no guide. This is what I’ve learned from those rooms, and from the research on childhood grief.
The First Conversation: What to Actually Say
There is no perfect script. But there are principles that make a significant difference.
Be honest and direct. Children’s grief is complicated most not by the truth, but by confusion, silence, and mixed messages. Simple, clear language — “Grandma died,” “Dad died,” “someone killed them and they died” — is better than euphemisms that children misinterpret or that fall apart when they learn the truth later.
Use the words “died” and “death.” Phrases like “passed away,” “we lost them,” “they went to sleep,” or “they’re gone” are confusing to young children and can create secondary fears (fear of sleep, fear of travel, fear that lost things can’t be found). “Died” is the right word.
Tell them once you know. Don’t wait for the “right time” — there isn’t one. Children sense when something is wrong and fill silence with their own (usually worse) explanations. Finding out the truth from you, directly and with love, is far less traumatic than piecing it together from overheard conversations.
For a traumatic or violent death: You don’t need to explain every detail, but the basic truth should be age-appropriate:
- Young children: “Someone hurt [person] and they died from the injuries.”
- Older children: “There was a crime/accident/[what happened] and [person] died.”
- Teenagers: You can be more specific, and they may ask directly. Answer honestly.
By Age: What Children Understand and Need
Under 5: Concrete, Repeated, Reassuring
Young children don’t fully understand the permanence of death. Expect the same questions many times — this is normal processing, not failure to understand.
What they need:
- Simple, concrete language: “Daddy’s body stopped working and he died. Dead means he can’t come back.”
- Repetition and patience with the same questions
- Physical reassurance — more holding, more closeness
- Clear, consistent routines — routine is safety for young children
- Explicit reassurance that they will be taken care of: “You will always have people to take care of you.”
Watch for: Regressive behavior (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk), sleep disturbances, increased clinginess, or playing “death games” — all normal in young children processing grief.
6–11: Understanding But Magical Thinking
Children in this age range understand death is permanent but may still engage in magical thinking (“If I’d been good, it wouldn’t have happened”) or personification of death.
What they need:
- Honest, direct explanations with room for questions
- Explicit, repeated reassurance that it was not their fault
- Permission to feel anything — sad, angry, relieved, nothing
- Age-appropriate information about what happened
- Understanding that their friends may not understand and that’s okay
- Continued involvement in normal activities (school, sports) with flexibility
Watch for: Withdrawal from friends or activities, declining grades, persistent sleep disruption, somatic complaints (stomachaches, headaches), or asking the same guilt-related questions repeatedly.
12 and Up: Teenagers
Teenagers understand death fully but are at a developmental stage where peer relationships matter enormously — and a traumatic death in the family is deeply isolating because peers don’t know how to respond.
What they need:
- Complete honesty — do not protect them from the truth, they will find it
- To be treated as someone who deserves real information
- Space to react however they react — including not reacting visibly
- Understanding that anger is a form of grief
- Permission to be with friends and have normal teenage moments — they may feel guilty for laughing or having fun
- An adult who will answer direct questions directly
What doesn’t help: Telling them to “be strong for” younger siblings, shielding them from the reality, or expecting them to grieve the way adults grieve.
Watch for: Complete emotional shutdown, substance use, school avoidance, risky behavior, or expressions of hopelessness or not wanting to live. These require immediate professional attention.
Specific Situations
If the Child Found the Body
This is a traumatic event regardless of the child’s age, and it requires professional support — not as a reaction to crisis but as a normal, appropriate response to what they experienced.
Do not minimize, rush past, or avoid what they saw. Acknowledge it directly: “You saw something very hard. That was a scary thing to see. It makes sense that you’re [whatever they are — scared, sad, confused, having bad dreams].”
The first priority is safety and connection. The second is professional trauma support.
After a Suicide
Children need to know the truth, in age-appropriate terms. “Mom/Dad/[person] died by suicide. That means they took their own life. They were suffering from a kind of pain that was bigger than they knew how to carry. It is not your fault. You could not have stopped it.”
Research consistently shows that honest conversation about suicide does not increase suicide risk in children — it reduces it, by opening the topic for conversation rather than leaving children alone with it.
Do not say “they chose to leave you” or frame it as a choice about the child. Do say “they were very sick in their mind and didn’t see another way.”
After a Homicide
Children need security first: they are safe, the person who did this is not going to hurt them.
The explanation of a homicide requires simplicity for young children (“someone hurt them badly and they died from the injuries”) and more honesty for older children and teenagers who may have access to news or social media.
Be prepared for intense anger — at the person who did it, at the adults who “didn’t protect” the victim, at the world. This anger is appropriate and should not be shut down.
When to Get Professional Support
Always consider it when:
- The child witnessed the death or found the body
- The death was violent (homicide, suicide)
- The child has visible behavioral changes lasting more than a few weeks
- The child was very close to the person who died
- The child expresses guilt, self-blame, or persistent hopelessness
- You are struggling yourself and can’t provide the support they need (getting help for yourself is also a way of getting help for them)
What professional grief support for children looks like: Trauma-informed child therapists use play therapy, narrative therapy, and other approaches designed for how children process — not just talk therapy. Sessions are often more active and less “talk on a couch” than adult therapy. Most children respond well.
It’s not a sign that something is wrong with your child. It’s a sign that something terrible happened and they deserve professional support in processing it.
Find a grief therapist for children in your area →
For You: The Adult in the Room
You cannot fully support your children’s grief if you are collapsing under your own. These things are both true simultaneously:
- Your children need you to be present and honest
- You deserve and need your own support
Get it. Whether that’s a therapist, a grief group, a trusted friend who will let you actually talk, or a combination — find something that is yours.
The most important thing you can do for your children isn’t to have the perfect words. It’s to stay present, stay honest, and stay connected to support so you can keep showing up.
This guide is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If your child is in crisis, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.